I think I need to set the record straight. Sorry, I didn't really want a debate about my ring on or off, or whether you think my counselor should or should not have said anything. He did not mean anything by it, he just wanted me to THINK and not gloss over. Too often, those of us going through grief tend to NOT think about things, like staying in a bubble. I would love to stay in my own little world, but it doesn't help me or my boys. They take their cues from me, and I want them to grieve in a healthy manner, as well. I did take it off because I felt like it was time for ME.
Now for my post ...
10 years ago today, Russ and I got married. It was a truly amazing day, one I will not soon forget ( I have a video, and NO, I am not watching it today!!). We bought a bottle of wine that first year to specifically open on our 10 year anniversary. I'm not sure when I will open it, maybe tonight, maybe not. But I do have a song I want to share with you. It describes how I am feeling today.
Please pray that today is not all breakdowns, but rather smiles about the memories and the blessings that we are left with in his absence.
one day at a time girlfriend, one day at a time. Feel the feelings - the good and the bad. Prayers are with you.
Posted by: Nancy LeB | March 05, 2011 at 11:37 AM
I want to thank you for being so inspirational to so many. My heart goes out to you!
Posted by: Maria Pane | March 05, 2011 at 04:32 AM
Julie...that song just about says it all. I've followed your blog for a long time and feel like I know you and am so sad you are going through this. But I'm also a strong believer in God knowing our limits and being there to provide us with the strength to go on. Just know another of your cyberfriends is praying for you and your boys. Much love and hugs, Cindy
Posted by: Cindy Hopkins | March 04, 2011 at 05:18 PM
HUGS Julie. YOU are a strong woman and you know what-I have no doubt in my mind I would still have that ring on and not have thought twice about that fact that I was married. But the way you explained it, is so true. You are no longer married .... but it still feels like you are until you are ready to not be and move on. God Bless You and the boys.
Posted by: Heidi | March 04, 2011 at 03:23 PM
First off.. Huge hug...im praying for you..
Second off.. Im really sorry.. Iuse to be a faithful follower, and then life decided to change and things changed with it..I just was blah tonight.. sent the kids to bed and opened up my blog folder that hasnt been touched in months.. and the first one I clicked on was yours.. I read todays post and was so confused.. so I went back 1 year and read every single post. I feel so bad for not being here for you.. I know you had 1000's of wonderful people here for you.. but for some reason (im thinkin becuz im currently taking care of my MIL who has terminal ovarian cancer)I just felt I had personally let you down. Ive never left a reply to you over the years..I knew you were so talented and busy and I just hate to take time away from someone else who might NEED that time.. Im not sure Im making sense.. but my heart aches for you and your boys (I have 2 also) I wish I could be a friend that would STILL be on the phone with you ever few days.. the friend that would tag along to buy food and supplies.. to be there for you as you drove that 4 wheeler up into the truck.. and to be the friend that just sat on the couch with you.. no words.. just being..
I just felt I needed to reach out to you tonight..
Im prying for you..
and a hug JUST CUZ with no questions asked of you..
Posted by: Mindi Harden | March 03, 2011 at 11:25 PM
I'm sure this had to be such a bittersweet day for you and your boys. Sadness touched with sweet memories. I hope your boys saw you laugh and cry and that they laughed and cried with you. You were in my thoughts and prayers.
Posted by: Sylvia/Georgia | March 03, 2011 at 10:30 PM
I hope too that this is a day of rejoicing and giving thanks for you and your boys. One day and one step at a time.
Posted by: Debra | March 03, 2011 at 06:19 PM
Hugs & Prayers. I pray that when you do open that bottle of wine, it will be with joy as you remember the years you spent together.
Posted by: Britiney @ Consider the Lilies | March 03, 2011 at 05:22 PM
Big Hugs and Many prayers being sent your way. You are an amazing woman.
Posted by: Kim Kowal | March 03, 2011 at 04:15 PM
Thank you for sharing and for this song that really touched my heart today as I am thinking of my husband's birthday next week and missing him so much . You are an inspiration and I really appreciate that you share what you are going through. May God continue to bless you and your family.
Posted by: Glenda J | March 03, 2011 at 03:47 PM
Julie being a Christian you are in an enviable situation. A Win/Win situation if you will. If you were to go to heaven tomorrow you would have Jesus and Russ and the heavenly family to comfort you. Since you are here on earth you have your earthly family to comfort you until you can move on. I think you are doing an awesome job getting it together and reorganizing your life. Its tough but you are strong and you have the proof of the love God gave you in those boys. Tell all the nay sayers to jump off a cliff. Enjoy and celebrate your life and the life you shared with Russ. May you be blessed in all your endeavors and pursuits in this new life you were given. Vickie
Posted by: Okienurse | March 03, 2011 at 03:03 PM
Julie I have read your blog for years and when Russ started getting sick, my heart ached for you. I have kept you in my prayers for months now and I know that the Lord is watching out for you and your boys. I want you to know that I know families ARE meant to be together forever. Rachele from your previous post mentioned it too.
You are so brave and I appreciate you sharing the trials and happy times you and your family are going thru. You have helped me to be more grateful and more aware of those around me that are going thru similar circumstances. (And your stamping projects are wonderful!!) Ü
Know that I think of you often and keep you in my prayers.
Posted by: Susan from Colorado | March 03, 2011 at 02:47 PM
Big hugs to you hun and thinking of you on this bittersweet day! I deliberately didnt join in the conversation on your last post because I truely believe that there is no right (or wrong) way to grieve.
When my mum's cat died, my son (about 5 then) said that he felt he ought to cry but that since the cat had been ill for so long he had "done all my sadness already". We had a good talk that day about every reaction being ok to grief - the day my dad died (when i was heading back to the hospital) he said that it was all ok because he was "old and ill"...love that children have such wisdom. He never cried over my dad either, although he saw me cry plenty - he didnt need to at that time.
Honey, there is no right or wrong - whats right for you, here and now, is whats right! Some things you might look back on and wish you could have changed (in the way you deal with things) but you are doing things with God in your heart so they are right for here and now!
Big cuddles!
Rx
Posted by: Ruthie | March 03, 2011 at 02:47 PM
Julie,
All I can say is ur amazing. Thank u for sharing this journey...u are giving so many others strength. Your feelings are just that...YOURS. And I think u are handling ur life with strength and dignity and most of all taking such good care of your boys! I've been following u for a while, and I just had to post today. God bless!
Posted by: Pat | March 03, 2011 at 02:12 PM
Julie,
I love this song. the One I am homesick for is Jesus...so ready to go home...
but I will work till Jesus comes..but is sure does not keep me from wanting to Him face to face.
Love In Jesus,
Sherry
Posted by: Sherry Harweger | March 03, 2011 at 01:59 PM
Julie, I'm sending prayers and hugs to you. I'm sure today is a hard one to get thru, but God is there for you and won't let you go thru any of this alone. Remember the happy times and celebrate Russ' life.
Posted by: Cindy L | March 03, 2011 at 01:53 PM
Julie I'm really grateful that you share so honestly about your experience. The loss of a partner is so different than the loss of any other family member (eg parent). For those who haven't gone through it, it helps us appreciate more what someone around us maybe going through and to be a little more sensitive and understanding. Sometimes we assume we know how someone might or should feel and really have no idea when their experience is outside ours. I really do appreciate your sharing and think of you and admire you even though we have never met.
Posted by: Glenda Cairns | March 03, 2011 at 01:43 PM
Oh Julie I am so sorry that you are spending this day without Russ physically. I know you are so strong and you will rely on God and get through the day with Russ' memory. I will be praying for you, lifting you up.
Posted by: Amy | March 03, 2011 at 12:40 PM
Julie, I lift you in prayer every day with my mother-in-law who lost the love of her life shortly after their 50th wedding anniversary. The journey is incredibly hard, but your faith in God will see you through. He never lets us get hit with more than we can bear. I know it doesn't feel like that, but keep your faith strong. I am glad you talk about Russ. Most people try to avoid speaking about someone who has passed, but I think that is like "forgetting" them. Keep him alive in your heart and for your boys, talk about him whenever you can. They need to know the kind of man their father was. Prayers and many, many hugs to you. Linda
Posted by: Linda | March 03, 2011 at 12:39 PM
Jesus hugs!
Posted by: Beth Adams | March 03, 2011 at 12:24 PM
Good to hear your doing things, because they are the right things for you at the right time, praying God lifts you up today!
Posted by: Conniecrafter | March 03, 2011 at 11:28 AM
Prayer hugs Julie!!! Psalm 62:5
In Christ's Love...
Posted by: Nancy | March 03, 2011 at 11:21 AM
Julie,
For those who judged you on your actions, will be judged on their day when their life on this earth comes to an end. There is only one who gets to judge.
But anyway, my point is, that my boyfriend's father passed away in January (cancer) and his mother (after the funeral and only around her children) said, "I can't believe that I am single and a widow". She is a strong woman like yourself but her children are grown and living their own lives. You have your children and, although it's exhausting, you are blessed to see the love of your life represented through them. I am sending positive energy your way to take with you and use when you need it most. I do hope that you have some friends that are not afraid to be around you. You need support and a councelor wont fill all the void you have. Friendship will help and love will find you, only when you are ready for it. G-d gives us what we need in life. You do what you want with it. Take care.
Posted by: Robyn | March 03, 2011 at 11:10 AM
More prayers and hugs are being sent!
Posted by: JodyM | March 03, 2011 at 10:51 AM
Julie, I pray for you today. You are such a strong woman. I can say that I know what it is like as I lost the love of my life and father to two sons a little over 3 years ago. We had been married for over 40 years. He was gone in less than 3 months after we were told he had cancer. My children are grown with children of their own so my 2 youngest grandsons help me a lot when I get down. I know that God watches over me and I also feel my husband's presence will always be with me.Open up the bottle of wine and remember all the good times. I have been reading your blog for some time now, but this is the first time I have made a comment. I have cried with you and admire you for the way you have handled everything. Just take one day at a time as life goes on. I also loved the video/song today. I feel that way also.
Posted by: Patsy | March 03, 2011 at 10:19 AM
Oh Julie,sending you BIG HUGS!!!!
Posted by: Diane L | March 03, 2011 at 10:12 AM
*****{{{{{BIG HUGS TO YOU}}}}}*****
Posted by: diane mcvey | March 03, 2011 at 09:57 AM
Love your openness, Julie. Thanks for sharing your journey with us and allowing us to walk the road with you in prayer and otherwise. Praying that today will be a day that encompasses a little of everything, but not too much of any one thing/feeling. Hugest (((Hugs))).
Posted by: Marisa | March 03, 2011 at 09:49 AM
Dear Julie,
While I cannot imagine what you are going through, I know that your incredible faith and the support of friends, family, community and God will carry you through.
May this day be all that it was meant to be, and thank God you are here to hold Russ in the Light.
Posted by: Julie (Joypup on SCS) | March 03, 2011 at 09:45 AM
My prayers are with you, Julie.
Posted by: Janis | March 03, 2011 at 09:38 AM
Sending prayers for joy, strength and healing.
Posted by: Diane Kent | March 03, 2011 at 09:35 AM
Julie, you are in my thoughts and prayers today and every day. Hope you can focus on the time you had with him, all the memories and the loving boys you made together.
Hugs & Prayers
Posted by: Donna A. | March 03, 2011 at 09:02 AM
Julie - I know you are such a strong person, and a wonderful (WONDERFUL) mother! Your bottle of wine - think about what Russ would want you to do on this day. If he were still here, what would he tell you? Let your heart guide you. If it were me, I'd open the wine, break out my wedding album, and reminisce in pleasant memories! - and ya - I'd shed a few tears too. But they'd be a mix of happy and sad tears. You got married because you were in love. You mourn because you were in love. May God watch over you today. You already know that Russ is watching you! HUGS!
Posted by: Jen Arkfeld | March 03, 2011 at 08:51 AM
Julie, I've never written a comment here before, but I've followed your blog for a long time and have been praying for you. Thank you for being so open about your journey, feelings and faith.
Posted by: Gina Marie in Regina | March 03, 2011 at 08:50 AM
As always, you will be in my thoughts, and prayers, and ever in my heart. You are an amazing woman, Julie, and your love for Russ shines through in everything you say. That video was so perfect for what you are feeling today. I hope that your day is full of fond memories of your wonderful years together. Love you...hugs!
Posted by: Patti J. | March 03, 2011 at 08:49 AM
Prayers are being sent your way! May you feel joy in spite of the pain.
Posted by: Eva U | March 03, 2011 at 08:47 AM
May the Lord comfort you and Strengthem you
Monica Weaver
Posted by: monica weaver | March 03, 2011 at 08:44 AM
I wish you a day of love and happy memories!
Posted by: Barbara V | March 03, 2011 at 08:41 AM
Hi Julie, I am praying for you, I also pray that you will remember and enjoy the awesome times you shared together! hugs to you and your boys.
Posted by: Debbie | March 03, 2011 at 08:30 AM
Praying God will bless you with peace & comfort today. That has to be hard - I can't imagine. Just reading your posts have made me see that you have grown so much during this time & you're going to be ok (with God's help)!
Posted by: Peggy Maier | March 03, 2011 at 07:59 AM
Hugs and prayers!
Posted by: Renee Ondrajka | March 03, 2011 at 07:46 AM
Julie, I love you and how you are inspire and live a transparent life...you let Jesus shine so brightly. I pray for peace and for the good memories to over flow in your day!!! You remind me to be thankful for everything we have. love you!! So excited for you and the boys next week will be awesome!!
hugs
sandy
Posted by: sandy | March 03, 2011 at 06:45 AM
oh Julie..may God give you the strength especially today. I will pray for you!
Posted by: Monika Thiessen | March 03, 2011 at 06:01 AM
Oh, Julie, I do pray that today is filled with beautiful memories and the only tears you cry are ones of happy memories. I'm sure today will be tough, but many of us are lifting you and your boys up in prayers.
Posted by: Lori Burkitt | March 03, 2011 at 04:58 AM
julie..i posted a note to you on your march 1st post...re the ring
as for the anniversary....
in my mind...may 14th will always be the day i got married...
and october 11th.will always be the day my husband died.. its natural and normal to have feelings and memories on the dates that are significant to the biggest days of our lives.. as life goes on...those days don't sting as much..we will always remember...and eventually... we settle in with embracing the memories..acknowledging the losses..the joys...and the journey in life that we have taken...and the road that lies ahead...
Posted by: michelle | March 03, 2011 at 04:48 AM
Words cannot heal the way time only can. Don't focus on the time you won't have with Russ, but focus on the time you did and the wonderful boys you have to celebrate Russ' life. I'm thinking of you today, this ten year anniversary.
Posted by: Kassandra | March 03, 2011 at 03:48 AM
You will be in both my thoughts and my prayers today, Julie. May this be a day of rejoicing and laughter for you and your boys, as you remember your beloved Russ and the ways in which he enriched your lives.
Posted by: Julie Warnken | March 03, 2011 at 03:43 AM